NOPE
by Matthew Cat
Summary: AIN'T NOBODY WHO WANTS TO READ THIS


Yo! So! Name's Dew and I'm new to.. This thing! Writing, that is! I know I suck, so please just bare with me till' I get enough sense to stop writing xD!

This fic is pure crack where I just make it all up as I go. Just a warning! Violence? Good chance. Bonding? Hell if I know. Awesomeness? Eh. I can try. Romance? If any, it'll be between Kouta and Minami (that's right!). And if there's any romance, it'll be, like.. Crack. Not serious. Just crack. Don't like it? Either stick that in your juice box and suck it, or LEAVE. Right now. Just.. Just go.

* * *

><p>It was a normal day. Normal antics, normal laughter, normal remedial classes, normal pervy photographer, normal everything.<p>

Or maybe not so normal? Minami Shimada couldn't help but feel that something was off. She couldn't quite place her finger on it, but it seemed like everyone was.. Well.. Different, somehow.

_You're imagining things. _She sighed, sitting back against the shelf. Minami shook it off and turned back towards her math problems in front of her.

"Don't I just look the nummiest?" Minami looked up and saw Akihisa dancing around a magically appearing pole like a Swede on crack in a Buddhist monk garb.

"Aki?" She called out, only to have him look at her and flip his hair dramatically.

"I knew something was off. No one could flip their hair that perfectly, other than a 52 year old pedophile…" She murmured as her eyes became shifty. "AKA.. Justin Bieber."

That's when a stray thought hit her. "Justin Bieber?" She screamed like an obsessive fan girl.

"I love all my fans." Aki said, suddenly freezing as he turned towards her and winked.

And this is where things started to get even weirder, if that was possibly. But anything's possible with imagination! And a fucked up creator's mind! First of all, Sakamoto suddenly stood from his seat and tore off his clothes like the hulk, revealing hot pink lingerie. _Damn, he actually makes that look good. _She admitted as he strutted around the classroom. _What the hell am I saying?_

_Am I on something?… _She whispered, sounding horrified as she returned her attention back towards Yoshii, who was suddenly now wearing _skinny jeans _and a tight white v-neck. _Oh dear God. _"Aki, you're being possessed by Satan! Quickly, Himeji, grab the holy water and the crucifix! I knew this day would come." Minami turned to where Himeji was sitting, only to find a daisy and a note attached to it saying: "Fish are the key."

_The hell? _Minami swallowed hard and looked back up at Aki who was posing like a gay supermodel.

"That's impossible. I feel great, Minami." He winked and blew a kiss towards her. Her eye twitched, but next thing she knew, she was being tackled to the ground with hands shielding her eyes.

"The Bieber air kiss is fatal." The voice whispered into her ear. "You're lucky I caught you in time."

She turned her head just by the slightest, and found a turtle. Well, it was someone in a turtle costume. "RAPE!" She screamed out of instinct.

"Quickly, into the filing cabinet!" The turtle ordered as he jumped to his feet and picked up Minami with what seemed to be immense strength. "You want to live, right?" Shimada suddenly stopped her screaming and nodded slowly.

"Good! Now into the filing cabinet!"

"Wait, wh-"

"No time for explaining!" The turtle then turned to the side where Yuuji was approaching them from, and abruptly grabbed him in the crouch.

"What the fuck, pedophile!"

"Just GO!" The turtle screamed as she watched Yuuji's body suddenly crumble into what at least looked like chocolate pudding. The mystery costumed creature thingy then chucked Minami across the room with near perfect aim.

Did I mention that I said _near_? Yeah. Near.

But not close enough.

He was off by a few inches, and she was sent spiraling into the chalkboard. Literally _in _to the chalkboard, her body flying through it with elegance.

"I'm flying!" She gasped. "I'm flying, I'm fly- Oh boo." Minami found herself strapped to a metal chair in what seemed to be one of those pod things you see in the movies as it soared downwards.

As if things couldn't get any weirder.. A cat. Yes, a cat appeared on her lap, with a grin larger than life. She nearly screamed, but was silenced by duct tape suddenly appearing over her mouth.

"Shhhh…" The cat slithered out as it jumped onto her head. "We're almost there." The duct tape was removed.

"Who the fuck are you? And what-"

"You may address me as… Chester." The cat's smile grew. _Why does this all seem sort of familiar? _She shook it off and looked back at the cat as it jumped back into her lap.

"What exactly is going on…" She asked slowly.

"Crunk juice. That is what's going on. I must be going now, wouldn't want to die with you! Bye!" The cat then vanished, it's large smile the last thing to disappear.

"W-Wait, wha-" She then began to scream as she looked up and saw hot lava pouring down, it looking hot enough to burn through the pod and possibly roasting her alive.

_I guess this is where I die. I'm sorry mom, dad, for all of the money I spent on erotic pictures of Aki. _She prayed silently as tears began to well up in her eyes.

_POOF!_

That's the only thing Minami heard as she awaited her painful death with her eyes clenched shut.

After several seconds of, well.. Not dying, she opened her eyes slowly, to find herself in what look much _like _a strip club.

"So how much are we talking?" Minami turned her head, and found none other than Akihisa Yoshii sitting there with a drink in hand.

"A-A.. Aki?" She stuttered a she backed away slowly.

"Ohh, playing hard to get, are we? Just for you, I'll pay ya extra…" Yoshii whispered as he reached out to grope her, only to find nothing.

Her face instantly turned red, not finding the self-control to stop him. _This has got to be a dream. _She gasped.

"Wait." He said, breaking her out of her thoughts. "What happened to your boobies? They were like.. Just there a second ago.. I swear.. Now you're like.. A MAN! Ewwwww, I can't believe I nearly groped a mannnn."

A vein popped in Shimada's head, and something just snapped. "YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCH! WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU BITCH! NO WONDER THE MOTHER FUCKING LESBIAN RATE IS GOING UP!" She screamed in fury as she jumped into his lap and began to strangle him.

"IT'S PIGS LIKE YOU THAT MAKE US GIRLS SICK!"

"I-I…" He spouted out weakly

"Yeeessss?" Minami replied with hope heavy in her voice.

"I don't want a lap dance from a man…"

"You've GOT to be kidding me!" She slapped him and then continued to strangle him as his face turned blue, as she began swearing at him in German.

"I just don't.. _Cough cough. _Swing that way… I-I'm-"

"Oh just shut up!" Minami growled as she punched him in the gut which automatically silenced him.

"Yeah, Aki, you scored big!" Yuuji howled from across the room, obviously drunk as Shoko sat in his lap. "But you know that there's rooms in the back where you can do that! We all don't need to see."

"Yuuji…" Shoko whispered.

"Yeah, babe?" He smirked.

"She's strangling him. They're not 'banging'." Shoko explained, using air quotes as she did so.

"Oh.." He said as he came to realization. "Sweet, bra, keep at it!"

"I love you anyways, Yuuji." Shoko sighed in slight frustration as she snuggled up to him.

"God, you're definitely a man." Aki choked out, only causing Shimada's rage to grow.

"Can you, like, I don't know… Shut your fucking MOUTH?" She hissed as she got off of him.

"Oh, you done trying to butt rape me…?" He said hazily as he stood up from the barstool.

"You really piss me off." Minami then continued to somehow, with some sudden burst of strength, pick up Aki above her head. "Say you're sorry now!"

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm. NOT a man!"

"Oh, so you're trans then, right?"

_Idiot. _And an idiot he was indeed. Now the moral of this was…: Do not mistake guys for girls or girls for guys. You're fucked either way if you do. Even if you say transvestite. You might even be worse off if you call someone that. Yup. Just saying.

Now if this were real, children, Aki's spine would be broken right about now. But since I can't just _kill off _a main character, I won't. Actually, I can, but having Yoshii die would just be too depressing. -Tear tear-. Yes, you're welcome screaming fan girls in the distance. If there are any~

So instead, I've mind-fucked Minami over once again! Yayyy!

_Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?_

"_What…"_

_Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?_

"_Uh.."_

_Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?_

"_I get it."_

_Then do something about it._

"_Chester?"_

_Shut up. I'm trying to make things dramatic._

"_Failsauce."_

_Just do something about it. Bitchhhh…_

This is the part where Minami would've sighed and done something about it, but I found that to be too boring. So I made her INSTEAD set out on a quest to murder Chester! That's great, right? Right!

Minami eventually pried her eyes open, and found herself being blinded by lights. Stage lights, that is. "What now…" She hissed as she forced herself to climb onto her knees.

"Romeo, Romeo, where art though Romeo!" A masculine voice called out.

_Voyeur? _She murmured as she looked up. Sure enough, there was the blue-haired pervert, but he was reading lines off of a script like a robot and was dressed in Resonance era clothing.

"Come on, Minami, we've done this a million times." He hissed as he smiled awkwardly.

"Uh…" She stuttered as she climbed to her feet, only to trip over her dress. _This is my chance. _"Juliet!" She called out as she regained her composure. _This isn't right… Why the hell am I… I'm not going to ask. It'll only piss me off. _

"That isn't the line, idiot." Kouta hissed, his eye twitching.

"Right.. Sorry." Shimada mumbled as she turned towards the audience. _Wait a second._ No, it was not humans in the audience, but.. Pudding. Yes, pudding. Most of which were either vanilla or chocolate, but a few were butterscotch. They weren't even in human shapes, they were just like.. Blobs. Sort of terd looking.

"This Inception shit is getting really old!" She yelled as she stomped her way up to Voyeur.

"W-What are you talking about, Romeo?" He stuttered as she became a bit more close. _What did that turtle guy do? Oh yeah. He grabbed… _She swallowed hard and readied her hand.

"Kouta has a mole below is right eye." She hissed.

"He does? Shit. Oh you caught me!" Kouta called outa as his body suddenly changed into what looked extremely similar to Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist.

"I knew it!" She exclaimed as she took another step closer.

"Medaling brat."

"Prepare to turn back into pudding!"

"Nuh uh uh!" Envy snickered as the body morphed again, and into none other than Akihisa Yoshii. "Will you be able to turn the boy who you _love_ into pudding?"

_Twitch._

Oh she was still pissed as hell at him for the stripper club scene. "Rot in hell!" Minami screamed as she grabbed his crotch abruptly.

"NOOO!" Envy cried out in agony. But nothing happened. Haha, awkwardddd…

Oh you could just hear the crickets. And the awkwardness. For a moment, everything remained the same, and Minami had thought that maybe she had-.

_Bloop._

"Oh thank God." She sighed in relief as she watched him turn into tapioca pudding. "Ew. That's just.. Eww. I grabbed his.. Eww. And he turned into.. EWW."

"Romeo, Romeo, where art though Romeo!" Minami turned around, and found Kouta walking towards her. _Again. _I just love my mind fucks on Shimada!

"That's it.. This is really getting old!" Minami hissed as she stomped her way up to Kouta.

"M-Minami.. What are you-"

"Shut up, Envy!" She barked before abruptly grabbing him in the crotch.

Nothing.

Again.

But Minami was sure that something would happen if she waited. But no, haha, nothing happened!

Her face turned red several moments later as she noticed that nothing happened, and she looked up to find the ninja pervert standing there with an epic nosebleed, the bleed running over her hand.

_Oh God. _She muttered to herself. _I didn't just-_

The crowd next to her erupted in laughter, and she instantly turned towards them to find the entire student body and faculty watching them.

"NICE ONE, SHIMADA!" She heard Aki yell. Her annoyance for him returned and she ground her teeth.

"I want a girl like THAT!"

"What's your number, babe?"

Minami turned back towards Kouta, who was still attempting to stop his nosebleed, and she removed her hand from his.. Area.

"What was that-"

"Come with me!" She ordered robotically as she grabbed him by the wrist and nearly dragged him backstage.

Once backstage, she threw Kouta up against the wall and stared demonically at him. "How'd you get here." She hissed.

"I-I was thrown into a urinal in the boy's bathroom by a person dressed as a squirrel." He stuttered out. "Then I woke up in a strip club, nearly died of blood loss and passed out, and then I woke up in a candy shop before this one prude slapped me with her handbag for looking under her skirt, and I.. Uh.. Woke up here. I swear that's what happened!"

"Squirrel? Lucky, I had a turtle."

"Wha-"

"Never mind. But I'm actually glad to see you for once.. This place is filled with pudding people, they're evil, and to turn them back into pudding, you have to grab their.. Genitals…" Minami explained.

"Are you on something?" Kouta asked in all seriousness. "But I-I guess I can do that." Blood began to slowly run down his nose.

_Perv. _"No, it's the truth! And there's a cat named Chester who follows me around. I'm guessing he's the one responsible for this, so I'm setting out to kill him! Care to join me?"

"Uhh.." Kouta looked at her oddly and raised an eyebrow. "OH! That cat, yeah, I've seen him. You can't just go around killing random cats, though."

"I sure as hell can!"

"He's just a poor kitty cat, though." Kouta frowned innocently.

"He doesn't seem like it."

"Don't hurt the kitty!"

"The kitty DESERVES it!"

"No. He. DOESN'T!" Kouta's voice went demonic, and Minami backed away slowly.

"The hell.."

"Oh haha, nothing!" He replied with a high-pitched voice.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked slowly, backing away even more.

"He is not!" A voice stated dramatically from behind. Minami turned around to find a teenage boy with black hair that looked around their own age. "He's under a spell from the horrible Chester cat! It should wear off.. Soon.. Ish.. I think. It just makes him think that he's a lolita."

"Who the hell are you and _why_ should I trust you?"

"I'm Dewwy. The creator of this lovely fic. I was wearing a turtle costume." Oh fuck yes.

"Fic? And YOU were the one who saved me?"

"Oh hahaha, it's nothing! And no, that was my sister. She's a bit on the masculine side." Dew replied instantly as he batted his hand back and forth. "But has anything bad happened yet in my presence?"

"Well.. No-"

"Exactly! I'm the hero, and Chester is the villain! Your typical story. Except this one's on crack." Dew chuckled as he walked in circles. "This is Candyland. Your friends stumbled into this world due to the work of Chester, the evil cat. He plans on colliding our two worlds, and making one horribly explicit world too horrible for words. But, sadly, you fell into the defective part of Candyland where Chester has most of the control~"

"Candyland? And it can't be that bad." Shimada sighed as Kouta began picking flowers out of the magically appearing field of flowers surrounding them.

"You haven't heard the song? And it is.. Two words. Rebecca. Black." Shimada shuddered at the mention of the singer.

"What song, exactly? And oh God.. I understand."

"HIT IT!"

_Ladies and Gentlemen  
>Whores and Sluts<br>Step right up, behind this curtain  
>Is where all your fantasies come to life<br>This is a place where you can escape  
>Welcome to CANDYLAND!<em>

Music suddenly boomed from, well, everywhere, whilst Dew danced awkwardly in the field of flowers like there was no tomorrow.

_Welcome to Candyland  
><em>_I'll split your ass in two  
>So take me by my head<br>Lick it up, Slide it down  
><em>_And satisfy my sweet tooth  
>Welcome to Candyland<br>You'll want to fuck me twice  
>I'll be your gingerbread man<br>First time naughty  
>Second time nice<em>

"THAT! Is where you are!" Song is by BOTDF, just saying. "Just a place that makes everyone's erotic fantasies come to life. It's one of the stops on the way to heaven and is where you go when you have a.. -Ahem-… Naughty dream."

"REALLY?" Kouta perked up, suddenly appearing behind Minami. "Ohhh, butterflies~"

"Grrr.." Minami grumbled. "Well how do we get back?"

"You want to.. To.. G-G-Go back? You insane?" Dew stuttered as his eyes widened. "Let's change that."

"Grrr…" Minami grumbled. "Well can we stay, pretty please? What the fuck."

"Ahahaha, of course you can stay!"

"I want to get BACK to Fumizuki academy!" Minami demanded with fury.

"Jesus, okay, okay, buuut…" Dew smiled brightly and spun in a circle. "You can't!~"

"You're shitting me." Minami muttered as her eye twitched.

"I am not!" Dew chuckled lightly. "You have to save the world, first!" _Damn it all._ "Chester's in the twelfth century! Best of luck, bitch!"

"Wait, I- Fuck it." Minami sighed as Dew poofed into mid-air. She then turned towards Kouta, who was singing.. With birds. On his shoulders. And head. It was weird. Extremely weird. No, beyond weird.

"We are _so _screwed." Minami whispered bitterly.

* * *

><p>And that puts an end to my lovely first chapter!<p>

I had a great deal of fun writing this xD. Mostly because I got to make fun of Justin Bieber :3.

I told you that it would be complete crack? And I fail as a writer as well, but who cares :D! And of course I'd pin myself as the hero xD. Hope you enjoyed me wasting your time. Kay, bye now ^^!


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